Breaking Irving's bicycle with twigs.
Well, I feel like a grape
with peeled-off grape-y skin:
liberated, but softer
to forks jabbing in.
Monday, August 31, 2009
4:20 AM
Monet's gardener probably wore gloves.
You swear you've been
born fresh a hundred times,
but, baby, can you even remember
when a hundred was a big number? You make meaning
out of what you're
given, and you've done a good job
selecting your stimuli. There's no hope
for people like us these days.
You swear you've been
born fresh a hundred times,
but, baby, can you even remember
when a hundred was a big number? You make meaning
out of what you're
given, and you've done a good job
selecting your stimuli. There's no hope
for people like us these days.
4:16 AM
Scolding the FutureMouse.
It was just tonight
(it took all the way till tonight!) that I
realized that all
my friends are daydreamers
and all your friends
are felons, and maybe it's got
something to do
with the ways we were raised, but
everyone had
a bad childhood, and that's hardly
an excuse, anymore.
It was just tonight
(it took all the way till tonight!) that I
realized that all
my friends are daydreamers
and all your friends
are felons, and maybe it's got
something to do
with the ways we were raised, but
everyone had
a bad childhood, and that's hardly
an excuse, anymore.
4:13 AM
There's no such person as Alice.
I had a dream,
I had a dream,
but what does it mean?
I painted rubber cement
o'er the mouth of a queen.
I dripped dribbles,
smeared squiggles;
I pasted her quiet
with dismal drizzling.
No more giggling or
chin-wiggling from that
fat Cheshire Cat-of-a-thing!
Her orders then had borders:
the corners of her food-hoarder.
I had a dream,
I had a dream,
but what does it mean?
I painted rubber cement
o'er the mouth of a queen.
I dripped dribbles,
smeared squiggles;
I pasted her quiet
with dismal drizzling.
No more giggling or
chin-wiggling from that
fat Cheshire Cat-of-a-thing!
Her orders then had borders:
the corners of her food-hoarder.
4:07 AM
The gravy train leaves town the same time as the other trains.
I've been staring at your father's
bedroom ceiling for
weeks now, forming right triangles
from the bumps in
the paint, but only now, in the very early
dawn, do I understand
that this habit is
only a feeble attempt to
make something right. It makes me
a little sick
to say, but when I find
myself confronted
by someone eager to spill
his story, to have a moment of
complete
vulnerability in the presence of another, I also find
myself half-listening while the other half
of my attention, the real part, is
critically rating his jawline
on a scale of one-to-five.
I've been staring at your father's
bedroom ceiling for
weeks now, forming right triangles
from the bumps in
the paint, but only now, in the very early
dawn, do I understand
that this habit is
only a feeble attempt to
make something right. It makes me
a little sick
to say, but when I find
myself confronted
by someone eager to spill
his story, to have a moment of
complete
vulnerability in the presence of another, I also find
myself half-listening while the other half
of my attention, the real part, is
critically rating his jawline
on a scale of one-to-five.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
1:23 PM
Today, I learned that in order to get the shredder to make confetti from the brightly-colored post-it notes, you have to insert them with the sticky strip on the side so they don't get stuck in the slot and cause the machine to fly into a fit of beeps and blinking lights. The sad part is that the confetti was for a small party I was going to have during my lunch for the folder full of documents that do not belong to any of the parties directly involved in the case, a folder unceremoniously marked "No Party". Subsequently, I also learned that if there is a tiny face with a frown drawn next to the label on the No Party folder, my father becomes confused, then irritated.
It's been a productive day at the office.
It's been a productive day at the office.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
12:39 AM
The new year brings with it a strange array of possibilities. Maybe I'll force myself, kicking and screaming, to leave the comfort of my apartment and interact with my peers. Maybe I'll make a list of things I've never done before, things I find intimidating or believe to be impossible, and actually do them. Maybe I'll really hunker down, write everything I want to write, ace all my classes, blossom as a late-season social butterfly, stop self-medicating, and find happiness and a not-at-all-hokey sense of inner peace.
Of course, I'm currently doing nothing to prevent Jasmine, one of my freshman year roommates, from entertaining the notion of setting me up on a blind date with her dentist, so in all likelihood, I'll spend the coming year getting stoned and glaring at my phone from behind a pillow every time it rings.
Of course, I'm currently doing nothing to prevent Jasmine, one of my freshman year roommates, from entertaining the notion of setting me up on a blind date with her dentist, so in all likelihood, I'll spend the coming year getting stoned and glaring at my phone from behind a pillow every time it rings.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
12:57 PM
I don't feel like a real person.
My apartment got broken into Friday at three in the morning. Rachel, Colleen and I were home. I saw one of the guys hanging off of the railing on my front porch, and I screamed at him to get off my house. He jumped off backward, and I chased four of them down the street barefoot, but I lost them about five blocks down because they were on bicycles. They made off with a couple of bags, a couple of wallets and a hunting knife, which they apparently used to slash the screens to our bedroom windows.
It worked out to be kind of the best case scenario, considering they were trying to get into the living room where we were when I saw them, and we have roughly twenty-five grand worth of musical equipment and electronics in our living room. The other good thing that came out of the robbery debacle is that now we know that the three of us can clear our apartment of all illegal items and get them to friends' houses in under ten minutes if the police are scheduled to show up.
I've been on a wicked Magnetic Fields kick for the last month or so. It's really starting to affect my ability to function.
My apartment got broken into Friday at three in the morning. Rachel, Colleen and I were home. I saw one of the guys hanging off of the railing on my front porch, and I screamed at him to get off my house. He jumped off backward, and I chased four of them down the street barefoot, but I lost them about five blocks down because they were on bicycles. They made off with a couple of bags, a couple of wallets and a hunting knife, which they apparently used to slash the screens to our bedroom windows.
It worked out to be kind of the best case scenario, considering they were trying to get into the living room where we were when I saw them, and we have roughly twenty-five grand worth of musical equipment and electronics in our living room. The other good thing that came out of the robbery debacle is that now we know that the three of us can clear our apartment of all illegal items and get them to friends' houses in under ten minutes if the police are scheduled to show up.
I've been on a wicked Magnetic Fields kick for the last month or so. It's really starting to affect my ability to function.
Monday, August 24, 2009
10:17 AM
It's like when I spot a live ant carrying a dead ant, and I wonder whether the dead ant is being taken to be eaten or given a proper burial, and I remember that it all depends on the species.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
11:12 PM
I've really just been trying to skim the surface lately. It's not working out as well as I had hoped.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
8:49 AM
I think birds have the right idea; if I was going to build a love nest, I'd hold the pieces together with spit, too.
I'm a sucker for YouTube covers of Magnetic Fields' songs.
Lately I've been having a hard time focusing my eyes on what's in front of me. It feels that the more I acknowledge the shapes materializing, the further I alienate myself from everyone else in the room. I've stopped trying to verbalize anything other than what I feel safe labeling the clearly objective, but most of the time it's tricky trying to identify even that.
It really does seem that we're looking at the same things, though.
I'm a sucker for YouTube covers of Magnetic Fields' songs.
Lately I've been having a hard time focusing my eyes on what's in front of me. It feels that the more I acknowledge the shapes materializing, the further I alienate myself from everyone else in the room. I've stopped trying to verbalize anything other than what I feel safe labeling the clearly objective, but most of the time it's tricky trying to identify even that.
It really does seem that we're looking at the same things, though.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
5:19 PM
I wish no one had ever explained reflections to me; I feel like I would have come up with a much more appropriate story.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
11:36 AM
I have one tiny spot of dry skin on the very end of my nose, and it kind of makes me look like Rudolph in a pencil skirt. It's not flattering.
My print of Cousteau came in the mail, and it looks even better than I imagined, though I do need to replace the frame I bought for it already due to scratching. I don't take very good care of my things.
The therapist through the wall is screaming at a patient, who is in turn screaming at her. I hope they're making progress.
Yesterday was remarkably and needlessly stressful thanks to Rachel. I think I might strangle her when I see her next. Tomorrow is Colleen's lamb-and-sangria birthday dinner, and her mother is coming in from Tennessee to stay with us, so I doubt things will settle at all before Friday.
My father and I visited my great-grandmother, Nana, in the hospital last night. She had a hip replaced a few months ago and has had some recent complications with blood clots. I had forgotten what a sweet, adorable old lady she is, what with her cataract eyes and penchant for butterscotch candies. As we were leaving, somebody who looked exactly like my father, except much younger, started hitting on me in front of my father. It was unsettling to say the least.
After the second morning in a row of waking up from horrible dreams with a jaw sore from clenching, I'm starting to think that maybe I shouldn't have switched brands of Sleepytime tea.
My print of Cousteau came in the mail, and it looks even better than I imagined, though I do need to replace the frame I bought for it already due to scratching. I don't take very good care of my things.
The therapist through the wall is screaming at a patient, who is in turn screaming at her. I hope they're making progress.
Yesterday was remarkably and needlessly stressful thanks to Rachel. I think I might strangle her when I see her next. Tomorrow is Colleen's lamb-and-sangria birthday dinner, and her mother is coming in from Tennessee to stay with us, so I doubt things will settle at all before Friday.
My father and I visited my great-grandmother, Nana, in the hospital last night. She had a hip replaced a few months ago and has had some recent complications with blood clots. I had forgotten what a sweet, adorable old lady she is, what with her cataract eyes and penchant for butterscotch candies. As we were leaving, somebody who looked exactly like my father, except much younger, started hitting on me in front of my father. It was unsettling to say the least.
After the second morning in a row of waking up from horrible dreams with a jaw sore from clenching, I'm starting to think that maybe I shouldn't have switched brands of Sleepytime tea.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
11:03 PM
You know, I could quote 'The Royal Tenenbaums' start to finish until I ran out of breath. The trick is finding anyone who values that.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
8:56 PM
Aside from the directly biological, I've never given much credence to the notion of nature over nurture, but the more I think about it, I realize that maybe because I was so much a product of desire, as opposed to love, my psyche has had no choice but to follow suit, which is not to say that I have not loved because I have certainly loved intensely, but merely highlights, I guess, the tendency of the desire I have to push others away superseding the need to love.
Part of me, the part I tend to label the more sensible, believes that I should feel justified in this impulse, reasons that all of this hullabaloo about keeping one's enemies closer is precisely that. It seems to me that I should employ a defense mechanism, even though I recognize it for what it is, because don't we all need defenses?
I don't know how I feel about this.
Part of me, the part I tend to label the more sensible, believes that I should feel justified in this impulse, reasons that all of this hullabaloo about keeping one's enemies closer is precisely that. It seems to me that I should employ a defense mechanism, even though I recognize it for what it is, because don't we all need defenses?
I don't know how I feel about this.
Friday, August 7, 2009
8:23 PM
Day-to-day narration in my head is starting to sound like a 24-hour episode of Daria.
Last night, Alex played me a recording he's been working on. It's actually a bit tricky. Basically, he learned how to sing each of the words in Tammy Wynette's "I'll Fly Away" backward, then wrote down their order in the song backward, recorded himself singing it all the way through and will eventually play it forward, David Lynch-style.
I might go see a Rock-Cabaret band that graduated a few years above me in high school with him tomorrow night. Honestly, I have yet to decide how I feel about Rock-Cabaret as a genre, which is really the deciding factor here.
Greg and Marissa are having a second garage party tonight because of the glory and chaos that begat the first. When I mentioned it to Alex, he thought I said it was a collage party. We decided neither of us would pass up a hypothetical collage party.
Though I know it to be counter-intuitive, the more the skin flakes off the faces, the fewer humans I see.
I almost don't want to wish for things because, like anyone with the exact concerns of a seven-year-old, I'm afraid I'll jinx it. I never remember in time to stop myself at 12:34, though.
Last night, Alex played me a recording he's been working on. It's actually a bit tricky. Basically, he learned how to sing each of the words in Tammy Wynette's "I'll Fly Away" backward, then wrote down their order in the song backward, recorded himself singing it all the way through and will eventually play it forward, David Lynch-style.
I might go see a Rock-Cabaret band that graduated a few years above me in high school with him tomorrow night. Honestly, I have yet to decide how I feel about Rock-Cabaret as a genre, which is really the deciding factor here.
Greg and Marissa are having a second garage party tonight because of the glory and chaos that begat the first. When I mentioned it to Alex, he thought I said it was a collage party. We decided neither of us would pass up a hypothetical collage party.
Though I know it to be counter-intuitive, the more the skin flakes off the faces, the fewer humans I see.
I almost don't want to wish for things because, like anyone with the exact concerns of a seven-year-old, I'm afraid I'll jinx it. I never remember in time to stop myself at 12:34, though.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
1:41 PM
As much as I don't want all of the terrible things that so often accompany it, I sometimes find myself missing the desperate kind of love of two people who whisper to one another because everything else seems so ungentle.
Nothing's been gentle lately. I don't want to feel this way.
Nothing's been gentle lately. I don't want to feel this way.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
10:22 PM
I cannot wait for my print to come in the mail on Monday! There is no better feeling than receiving mail. It makes me ecstatic.
Oh man, it makes me feel like a weenie, but I'm chomping at the bit to get back to school. As much as I love the people I'm close to, I kind of just want to ace senior year and be done with it because part of me is overly excited to move somewhere new. I'm certainly not going to pick a grad school based on location because I've already promised myself that I'm going wherever has the best program, but I'm crossing my fingers I get in to one of the schools on the West coast or in Chicago. I'd really like a complete change of scenery.
It's a bit girly, but I'm really thrilled about all the new clothes I've bought recently. I'm especially over the moon that I got them for so little. All in all, I bought four linen skirts, a flapper dress, a button-up top and two cardigans for under $90. Forgive any egotism, but I have to say I'm stellar at second-hand shopping.
I can't stop listening to "The Owls Go" by Architecture in Helsinki. They almost never tour the US, so I felt super lucky when I saw them in Boston two years ago with Amy. If you've never heard this song before, it's worth a go.
Oh man, it makes me feel like a weenie, but I'm chomping at the bit to get back to school. As much as I love the people I'm close to, I kind of just want to ace senior year and be done with it because part of me is overly excited to move somewhere new. I'm certainly not going to pick a grad school based on location because I've already promised myself that I'm going wherever has the best program, but I'm crossing my fingers I get in to one of the schools on the West coast or in Chicago. I'd really like a complete change of scenery.
It's a bit girly, but I'm really thrilled about all the new clothes I've bought recently. I'm especially over the moon that I got them for so little. All in all, I bought four linen skirts, a flapper dress, a button-up top and two cardigans for under $90. Forgive any egotism, but I have to say I'm stellar at second-hand shopping.
I can't stop listening to "The Owls Go" by Architecture in Helsinki. They almost never tour the US, so I felt super lucky when I saw them in Boston two years ago with Amy. If you've never heard this song before, it's worth a go.
2:19 PM
The modern world confuses me. I don't understand why people care about most of the things they care about. I don't understand the culture, the entertainment, the meaning, the trends. It seems like we're rapidly regressing.
I know people say things like this all the time, but isn't there something wrong if no one sees the bigger picture? When I look around these days, all I can think sometimes is, If this is progress, where is evolution going to take us next?
I know people say things like this all the time, but isn't there something wrong if no one sees the bigger picture? When I look around these days, all I can think sometimes is, If this is progress, where is evolution going to take us next?
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
10:44 PM
Is it a bad sign that today, when BBC America thanked its viewers for making this the most watched season of the channel to date, I sincerely answered, "Oh, you're welcome"? I don't even watch much television. Call me elderly, but I cannot resist You Are What You Eat and Cash in the Attic.
Alex contacted me for the first time in approximately a week, and we have plans for Thursday. I had been quite nervous about him, but I guess I can breathe a little easier since he sounded more upbeat than last time. I did miss him, though.
I feel like I'm getting swallowed whole by loneliness sometimes, pulled backward and down into a dark, gaping abyss. It doesn't help me cope with social matters when I am already so able to retreat into my imagination, either.
I never got around to going for a run today. I'd feel worse about it if I hadn't been queasy since I woke up. Plus, I almost never find frogs.
Alex contacted me for the first time in approximately a week, and we have plans for Thursday. I had been quite nervous about him, but I guess I can breathe a little easier since he sounded more upbeat than last time. I did miss him, though.
I feel like I'm getting swallowed whole by loneliness sometimes, pulled backward and down into a dark, gaping abyss. It doesn't help me cope with social matters when I am already so able to retreat into my imagination, either.
I never got around to going for a run today. I'd feel worse about it if I hadn't been queasy since I woke up. Plus, I almost never find frogs.
3:37 PM
Today I ate a light breakfast, got dressed in workout clothes and went outside, all excited for my run... and then I found a frog in my yard. I proceeded to play with him for two hours, and by then it was too hot to exercise outside. I think I'll try again this evening, when the temperature drops and the tempting amphibians are too busy making their escape to the water to distract me.
Monday, August 3, 2009
10:58 PM
Below is my long- and short-term to-do list. Some of the goals might seem stupid, but be gentle with me.
- Clear off my deak
- Start exercising
- Force myself to leave my apartment at least once a day
- Buy one of those healthy cookbooks and use it
- Start my applications
- Get checked for stomach ulcers
- Clear off my desk
- Touch up my tattoo
- Wear perfume every day
- Save my money for things that truly make me happy
- Write 6-8 short stories by next May
- Decorate my bedroom the way I've wanted to
- Read at least one intellectual book a month
- Take more risks
I'm going to try to knock them off one at a time. Tomorrow, I'm diving into the exercising bit head-first and going for a run. I'm not going to set a distance for myself; I just plan on running until I can't anymore. I have the sneaking suspicion this will prove cathardic.
2:31 PM
I cannot operate a staple remover to save my life. I've butchered the upper left-hand corner of every piece of paper I've touched since I started working here. Even when I am painstakingly gentle, it looks like the depositions have been mauled by something rabid.
Yesterday I read an article about somebody who is building a space hotel, where, for four million dollars, you will be able to spend three nights near the moon. It sounded novel at first, but then I started thinking about the things people usually do for fun in hotel rooms (jumping on the beds, drinking from the minibar, cocaine), and they all seem markedly more difficult in zero gravity.
I think I'm going to make a to-do list and actually do some of the things on it. I need to get a bit more organized if I'm going to do all of the things I want to do, especially once classes start and I have a thesis to write.
I derive way too much joy out of a hot, fresh-from-the-printer stack of paper on my lap. It makes me feel oddly clean in a way I can't adequately explain.
Lately, I've been thinking about sound waves, light waves and perception. It's kind of messing with my sense of stability.
I'm starting to wonder if I'll get to the ocean even once this summer.
Yesterday I read an article about somebody who is building a space hotel, where, for four million dollars, you will be able to spend three nights near the moon. It sounded novel at first, but then I started thinking about the things people usually do for fun in hotel rooms (jumping on the beds, drinking from the minibar, cocaine), and they all seem markedly more difficult in zero gravity.
I think I'm going to make a to-do list and actually do some of the things on it. I need to get a bit more organized if I'm going to do all of the things I want to do, especially once classes start and I have a thesis to write.
I derive way too much joy out of a hot, fresh-from-the-printer stack of paper on my lap. It makes me feel oddly clean in a way I can't adequately explain.
Lately, I've been thinking about sound waves, light waves and perception. It's kind of messing with my sense of stability.
I'm starting to wonder if I'll get to the ocean even once this summer.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
11:34 PM
Last night was a mess. Colleen was at work until almost four and Rachel was sleeping, so Greg, Dana, Beckie and two of Dana's friends came over to my apartment, and we drank ourselves illiterate listening to "Midnight Rider" and "Spanish Rose" and smoking Darla, my hookah, until we thought tequila might be a good mixer for rum.
I'd really like to get outdoors more often, but the weather has been overcast and rainy for weeks. Everyone seems to be bemoaning how it's August now and we only have a month left before classes start up, but I couldn't be happier about those two facts. This summer has caused me nothing but trouble, and I'm awaiting the time when I'll be buried in schoolwork. Maybe we'll have an Indian summer. Maybe it'll be warm until November.
I just keep hoping beyond hope that things sort themselves out.
I'd really like to get outdoors more often, but the weather has been overcast and rainy for weeks. Everyone seems to be bemoaning how it's August now and we only have a month left before classes start up, but I couldn't be happier about those two facts. This summer has caused me nothing but trouble, and I'm awaiting the time when I'll be buried in schoolwork. Maybe we'll have an Indian summer. Maybe it'll be warm until November.
I just keep hoping beyond hope that things sort themselves out.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
6:08 AM
"So you quote love unquote me.Well, stranger things have come to be,
but let's agree to disagree
because I don't believe you."
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